Holly: Good morning David it is now safe for you to emerge from stasis.
Lister: I've only just gone in.
Holly: Please forward to the drive room for de-briefing.
Lister: Where is everybody Hol?
Holly: There dead Dave!
Lister: Who is?
Holly: Everybody Dave!
Lister: What Captain Holester?
Holly: Everybody Dave!
Lister: What Todd Hunter?
Holly: Everybody Dave!
Lister: What Selby?
Holly: There all dead every bodies dead Dave
Lister: Peterson isn't; Is he?
Holly: Every bodies dead Dave!
Lister: Not Chen
Holly: Gordon Bennett! Yes Chen Everybody. Every bodies dead Dave!
Lister: Rimmer?
Holly: Yes Rimmer. Everybody is dead. Everybody is dead Dave!
Lister: Wait; Are you trying to tell me every bodies dead?
~~~
Kryten: Is anything the matter?
Rimmer: Is anything the matter? They're dead!
Kyrten: Who's dead?
Rimmer: They are, dead, They're all dead
Kryten: My God! I was only away 2 minutes!
~~~
Lister: Cat
Cat: Grunt
Lister: Did you ever see the Flintstones?
Cat: Sure!
Lister: Do you think Wilma's sexy?
Cat: Wilma Flintstone?
Lister: Maybe it's 'cos we've bin in deep space too long but every time I see that
Sherwood body it drives me crazy. Is it me?
Cat: I think in all probability Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever
lived.
Lister: That's good I thought I was going strange.
Cat: She's incredible
Lister: What d'ya think of Betty?
Cat: Betty Rubble?
Lister: (Nods agreeing)
Cat: I'd go with Betty but I'd be thinking of Wilma
Lister: This is crazy why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma
Flintstone?
Cat: Your right we're nuts this is an insane conversation!
Lister: She'll never leave Fred and we know it!
Cat: (Nods head agreeing)
~~~
(Lister is holding up a banana trying to teach Kryten how to lie)
Lister: OK try again what is it?
Kryten: It's a banana
Lister: No it isn't. What is it?
Kryten: It's a banana
Lister: No it isn't. What is it?
Kryten: It's an orrrrrr its an orrrrrrr
Lister: It's an orange say it. IT IS AN ORANGE.
Kryten: It's an orrrrrr it's an orrrrrr It's no use sir I can't do it
Lister: You can. I'm going to teach you. (Puts down banana picks up apple) Ok what
is it?
Kryten: It's an apple
Lister: No No No. What is it?
Kryten: Oo it's no use sir I just can't lie I'm programmed to always tell the truth.
Lister: Kryten it's easy look. (holding an apple) It's an orange (picks up orange) it's a
melon (holding a banana) it's a female aardvark.
Kryten: Oo that is just so superb sir. How d'ya do that, especially calling a banana an
aardvark. An aardvark isn't even a fruit. It's total genius. (laughs quietly)
~~~
Therapst: Hello, I'm Dr Lucas McClaren. I'm the ships chief psychiatric counsellor
and I thought it was about time we got together and had a really good natter.
Kryten: My name is Kryten sir.
Therapist: Lovely. We are doing well aren't we? Now, you're a robot aren't you?
Kryten: I was the last time I looked sir, yes
Therapsit: And can you tell me when you were created? Can you remember?
Kryten: 2340 sir.
Therapist: Very good. 2340, that's in the future isn't it?
Kryten: Yes sir I was created after you died.
Therapist: Lovely. Lovely. So I died and you were created and how long would you
say I've been dead altogether?
Kryten: You're not dead any more sir.
Therapist: Aren't I?
Kryten: No no. You're alive again now sir. Can't you tell?
Therapist: Right, I was alive, died and then started living again.
Kryten: You've been most fortunate sir.
~~~
Rimmer: Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?
Lister: No, it's a chicken.
~~~
Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000. The same IQ as 6000 PE
teachers.
~~~
Holly: This is a recording. I'm afraid Holly is busy at the moment. If you'd like to
leave a message after the bleep, he'll get back to you. Bleep.
~~~
Holly: Look, I'm a tenth-generation AI hologrammic computer. I'm not your mum.
~~~
Rimmer: Is that painting yours? It's rubbish!
Lister: It's a mirror.
~~~
Lister: The red, green, and blue alert signs are all flashing! What the smeg is
happening?
Kryten: Well, either we're under attack, sir, or we're having a disco.
~~~
Kochanski: How did I end up like this? On a ship where the fourth most popular
pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry
Lyrics
~The Theme Song~
It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere
I'm all alone,
more or less
Let me fly far away from here
Fun, fun, fun
in the sun, sun, sun
I want to lie
shipwrecked and comatose
Drinking fresh mango juice
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
Fun, fun, fun
in the sun, sun, sun
Fun, fun, fun
in the sun, sun, sun
~Arnold Rimmer's Song~
If you're in trouble he will save the day
He's brave and he's fearless, come what may
Without him the mission would go astray
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
Without him life would be much grimmer
He's handsome trim, and no-one slimmer
He will never need a zimmer.
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
More reliable than a garden strimmer
He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner
He's not bald and his head doesn't glimmer.
Master of the wit and the repartee
His command of Space Directives is uncanny
How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me.
Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
He's also a fantastic swimmer
And if you play your cards right then-he-just-might
Come round for dinner.
He's Arnold Arnold Arnold Rimmer,
No rhymes left now apart from Qwimmer.
I hope they fade out before we get to shimmer
Fade out you stupid Rimmer
~Tongue Tied~
NOTE: The words in brackets are sung by Lister and Rimmer, the rest is sung by
Cat.
When I saw you for the first time (first time)
My knees began to quiver (quiver)
And I got a funny feeling (feeling)
In my kidneys and my liver (digestive system baby)
My hands they started shakin' (shakin')
My heart began a-thumpin' (boom boom boom)
My breakfast left my body (huey huey huey)
It all really tells me something
Girl you make me tongue tied (tongue tied)
Tongue tied, whenever you are near me (near me)
Tied tongue (tied tongue)
Tied tongue (tied tongue)
Whenever you're in town
I saw you on the dance floor (dancin')
I thought of birds and bees (reproductive system baby)
I barely tried to speak to ya (talk talk)
My tongue unravelled to my knees (flippety-flippety-thump)
I tried to say I love you (love you)
But it came out kind of wrong girl (wrong girl)
It sounded like min-oo-bitty-boo (tongue tied)
Na-nee-ner-ner-nee-nung, nirl
'Cause you make me tongue tied (tongue tied)
Tongue tied, whenever you are near me
Be-dobby-durgle (dobby-durgle)
Tongue tied (tongue tied)
Whenever you're around
Oh I'm beggin' on my knees
Sweet, sweet darling, listen please
Understand me when I saaaaaay
Bedurble-diggle-doggle-dooby-doggle-durgle-day
I'm trying to say nungy-nangy (nangy-nungy)
Ningy-nongy, but I can't tell you clearly (clearly)
Be-dobby-durgle (dobby-durgle)
Durgle-dobby (durble-dobby)
Whenever you're around (around)
Whenever you're around (around)
